"Why does Miss Piggy use a honey and vinegar douche?" Answer "Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork!"
"Why can't Miss Piggy ever count to 100?" Answer "Because every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!"
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs at the bottom of an elevator shaft? Answer "Dot!"
What do you say to a girl with no arms and no legs? Answer "Nice tits!"
What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs? Answer "Cuntzweylow!" ("Cunt's-way-low," variation of "Consuela")
What do you call a girl with one leg? Answer "Ilene."
What do you call an Oriental girl with one leg Answer "Irene."
What do you call a girl with a wooden leg? Answer "Peg."
"What do you call an amputee dog?" Answer "Nothing, because he won't come anyway!"
What do you call the womens LPGA? Answer Dykes on spikes!
"What do you call a Greek girl who keeps running away from home?" Answer "A virgin."
Why can't witches have babies? Answer Because their husbands have hollow-weenies.
Why can't gypsies have babies? Answer Because their husbands have glass balls.
What does an eskimo use "Preparation H" for? Answer Polaroids!
What's this? (tap the person you're telling the joke to on the back several times) Answer Hellen Keller talking behind your back!
"Why did Helen Keller use two hands to masturbate?" Answer "One to do it and one to moan."
Why did God invent whiskey? Answer Because fat girls need to get laid too!
Why did God invent whiskey? Answer So the Irish wouldn't rule the world!
Why don't 7-11's ever have red dot sales? Answer Because if they did, they wouldn't have any employees left!
"Why do they call camels the ships of the desert?" Answer "Because they're full of Iranian seamen!"
"Why can't you circumcise an Iranian?" Answer "Because there's no end to those pricks!"
Why did God invent whiskey? Answer So the Irish wouldn't rule the world!
"What do you call an Italian with an I.Q. of 180?" Answer Sicily!"
"Why is Italy shaped like a boot?" Answer Because they couldn't fit all that shit in a tennis shoe!"
Why does time pass so quickly in Italy? Answer Because every time you look up, another day goes (dagos) by!
What did the Romans say to Jesus Christ on Good Friday? Answer You drop that cross one more time, and you're out of the parade!
Have you heard about the new kosher tire? Answer Not only does it stop on a dime, but it bends over to pick it up!
Why is money green? Answer The J*** picked it before it was ripe.
"What do you get when you cross a Gypsy with a J**?" Answer "A chain of empty stores!"
What is a J***** American Princess' idea of natural childbirth? Answer Absolutely no makeup!
What's the only thing a J***** American Princess will go down on? Answer The elevator at Bloomingdale's!
What's the difference between a JAP and a Pit Bull? Answer The JAP is the one wearing lipstick!
Why do J***** men like to watch porno movies backwards? Answer Because they like the part where the girl gives back the $100.00 bill!
How was the Grand Canyon formed? Answer Someone threw a penny in a ditch and some J*** went digging for it.
Why do J*** have big noses? Answer Air is free!
"How do you get a Kleenex to dance?" Answer "Blow a little boogie into it."
Why did the L.A.P.D. leave the Lakers/Dodgers/Angels/Rams/Raiders/Kings (your choice) game early? Answer They wanted to beat the crowd!
What is a leper's favorite song? Answer "I fall to pieces."
"What do you call 3 lepers in a jacuzzzi?" Answer Soup.
"Why did the lepers have to give up playing hockey?" Answer "Because they got a face-off in the corner."
How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer Five -- one to actually change it, and four to share in the experience!
"How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?" Answer "They don't -- they screw in the hot tub!"
How many Systems Analysts does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer None -- it's a hardware problem!
"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?" Answer "Ten -- one to change it and the other nine to protest the violation of the socket!"
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer That's not funny.
"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?" Answer "Three -- one to change it, another to say how degrading it is, and the third to write a book about it!"
"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?" Answer "Two -- one to change it and the other to suck my dick!"
"How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb?" Answer "None of your fuckin' business!!"
What do you call a Mexican baptism? Answer A bean dip!
Why are there no Mexican athletes in the 1992 Olympics? Answer Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim is already in the U.S.!
What do sperm cells have in common with Mexicans? Answer Only one in 24,000 work.
"Why were there only 500 Mexican soldiers at the Alamo?" Answer "Because they only had two Chevys."
"Why do Mexicans have re-fried beans?" Answer "Have you ever heard of a Mexican doing anything right the first time?!"
How does a New Yorker give CPR? Answer "Get the fuck up -- you might die, or somethin'!"
How do you say "fuck you" in New York City? Answer "Trust me."
"How many New Yorkers does it take to change a lightbulb?" Answer "None of your fuckin' business!!"
What did Oprah Winfrey's husband say to her when she suggested they try a new sex position? Answer "How now, brown cow?!"
"How do you get a Polish girl pregnant?" Answer "Cum in her shoes and let the flies do the rest!"
"What do you call a Polish girl with half a brain?" Answer "Gifted!"
"What do you call a beautiful girl in Poland?" Answer "A tourist!"
"How do you know when a Polish girl is menstruating?" Answer "She's only wearing one sock!"
"How can you tell if a Polish woman isn't wearing any underwear?" Answer "Look for the dandruff on her shoes!"
"Why don't Polish women breast feed their babies?" Answer "Because it hurts too much when they boil their nipples!"
