What did the policeman say to the condom? Answer Cover me -- I'm goin' in!
What's the definition of a 10? Answer A 5 who swallows!
Why did God invent men? Answer Because cucumbers don't have credit cards!
Why did God invent women? Answer Because sheep can't cook!
"What two things in the air can get a woman pregnant?" Answer "Her feet!"
"What's the difference between a bank account and your dick?" Answer "The more you withdraw, the less interest you get!"
"What's the similarity of math and sex?" Answer "Add the beds, minus the clothes, divide the legs, and multiply!"
"Why did God make urine yellow and cum white?" Answer "So men can tell if they're cumming or going!"
"Why did God create the orgasm?" Answer "So you'd know when to stop fucking!"
What's worse than a lobster on your piano? Answer Crabs on your organ!
What's better than roses on your piano? Answer Tulips (two lips) on your organ!
"What are the worst three words you can hear when you're making love?" Answer "Honey, I'm home!"
"What's the difference between your dick and your paycheck?" Answer "You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck."
What do you call the womens LPGA? Answer Dykes on spikes!
"What's the hardest thing about a sex change from a man to a woman?" Answer Inserting the anchovies!"
"How can you tell when you're girlfriend is getting too fat?" Answer "When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo!"
"What's the hardest part about eating fleas?" Answer "Getting their little legs apart."
"What's the worst thing about being an atheist?" Answer "Nobody to talk to when you're getting a blow job!"
Which bird delivers babies? Answer The Stork. Which bird enforces birth control? Answer The Swallow!
What's the best form of birth control for people over 50? Answer Total nudity!
"What do you call a guy who buys generic rubbers?" Answer "A cheap fucker!"
"What do Brooklyn and a pair of control-top pantyhose have in common? Answer "Flatbush!"
"Why is being a dick not all it's cracked up to be?" Answer "Because its owner beats him all the time!"
"Why is being a dick not all it's cracked up to be?" Answer "First of all, you have a head, but no brains; there's a couple of nuts following you around all the time; your next door neighbor is an asshole; and your best friend is a cunt!"
What is the ultimate in trust? Answer Two cannibals having oral sex!
"Why are eggs so frustrated?" Answer "Because they only get laid once, they only get eaten once, and you've gotta boil them to get them hard!"
What is the French definition of a virgin? Answer An ugly third grader!
What does a French woman put behind her ears to attract men? Answer Her feet!
Why did the shepherd lead his flock to the edge of the cliff? Answer So they'd push back harder!!
What do you call it when you 69 in China? Answer Two-can-chew!
What's the difference between spit and swallow? Answer (place your hand behind the neck of the person you are telling the joke to, pull their head toward you) Oh, about fourty pounds of pressure!
"What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?" Answer Hold onto your nuts, you're about to get a helluva blow job!"
What do Marilyn Chambers, Linda Lovelace, and the Bermuda Triangle have in common? Answer They've all been known to swallow sea men. (semen)
What's the definition of an overbite? Answer When you're eating pussy and it starts tasting like shit!
What's the difference between eating parsley and eating pussy? Answer Nobody eats parsley.
How does a french woman hold her liquor? Answer "By the ears!" (licker)
"Why is their a string on the end of a tampon?" Answer "So you can floss after you eat!"
"What do you call it when you're giving head to your Chinese girlfriend?" Answer "Tongue chow!"
What the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? Answer One looks up the family tree, and the other looks up the family bush!
"What did the gynecologist find when he examined Brooke Shields?" Answer "Michael Jackson's other glove!"
"What do you call a herd of mastubating cattle?" Answer "Beef strokin'-off!"
How are Richard Pryor and Hot Lips Houlihan alike? Answer They both have major burns (Major Burns) on their faces!
How do you make a g** b*** stop crying? Answer Stick a pacifier up his ass!
Why are all the b***** moving to Ireland? Answer Because they heard there are no jobs there.
How does a gay man fake orgasm with his lover? Answer He spits on his lover's back!
What are the two most feared words to hear in the mens room? Answer "Nice cock."
How do you know when you're in a gay Catholic church? Answer Only half of the congregation is kneeling!
What's the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo? Answer At the straight rodeo, the crowd yells, "Ride that sucker!!"
"What did the straight sperm cell say to the gay sperm cell?" Answer "How am I supposed to find an egg in all this shit?!?!"
What's the definition of an optimist? Answer A f***** with an Individual Retirement Account.!
"What do you call a gay b**** guy?" Answer "Kool-aids!"
"How do you get four queers on a bar stool? Answer "Turn it upside down!"
What do you call a gay Indian? Answer A "brave fucker!"
"What's a real buddy?" Answer "Someone who will go downtown and get two blow jobs, and come back and give you one."
What did one lesbian ask the other lesbian? Answer Your face or mine?
What's the difference between a whale and a lesbian? Answer About 15 pounds and a flannel shirt!
"What has fuzzy green balls and likes to eat women?" Answer "Martina Navratilova!" OR "Billie Jean King!"
"What do lesbians like more than Calvin Klein jeans?" Answer "Billy Jeans!."
"What do two lesbians need before they can get married?" Answer "A licker license!"
What's J***** foreplay? Answer Fifteen minutes of taking the jewelry off!!
How do J*** make love doggie style? Answer She rolls over and plays dead, and he begs on the bed!
"How do you define J***** foreplay?" Answer "Two hours of begging."
"How do you stop a J***** girl from fucking?" Answer "You marry her!"
"What's the difference between a J***** American Princess and a bowl of jello?" Answer " The jello wiggles when you eat it!"
"What happens to a J***** man when he walks into a wall with a full erection?" Answer "He breaks his nose."
How many men does it take to vacuum a carpet? Answer None -- it's a woman's job.
"How do you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose?" Answer "If she farts, her ankles will swell."
"Why do women have legs?" Answer "So they won't leave snail tracks on linoleum floors."
"What's the best way to bring a woman to orgasm?" Answer "Who cares?"
"What's the definition of the perfect woman?" Answer "She's deaf and dumb, oversexed, and owns a liquor store!"
"What's the definition of the perfect woman?" Answer "The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in."
"What's the definition of the perfect woman?" Answer "She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so you can put cocktails on it."
"What's the definition of the perfect woman?" Answer "The economy model She fucks all night, and at midnight she turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack."
What is the definition of masturbation? Answer Making yourself at home!
When does a J***** man stop masturbating? Answer When his wife dies!
"What's the ultimate rejection?" Answer "When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep!"
"Did you hear about the midget who has 40 pound testicles?! Yeah, the fuckin' guy is half nuts!!"
"What did the midget say to the naked lady?" Answer "Gee, your hair smells terrific!"
"Why does Miss Piggy use a honey and vinegar douche?" Answer "Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork!"
"Why can't Miss Piggy ever count to 100?" Answer "Because every time she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!"
Why can't The Dairy Queen have babies? Answer Because she's married to Mr. Softee!
"Why did God create the orgasm?" Answer "Because he couldn't wait for the second coming!"
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Shi-ite Moslem terrorist? Answer You can reason with the Shi-ite Moslem terrorist!
What do you call a woman who has PMS and ESP? Answer A bitch who thinks she knows everything!
"Why are peanut butter and prostitutes similar?" Answer "They both spread for bread!"
"What did the leper prostitute say to her lastest customer?" Answer "I'll keep an eye out for you."
What do you call a prostitute in Russia? Answer "Knickersoftenoff!" (Knickers-often-off)
"Why did the rooster cross the basketball court?" Answer "Because he heard the referee was blowing fouls on the other side of the court!"
"What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?" Answer "A toilet doesn't follow you around after you've used it!"
What is the worst part about a male transexual having an operation to become a female? Answer When the doctor inserts a siphon in your ear to suck out half your brain!
What did one sorority tampon say to the other sorority tampon? Answer Nothing -- they were both stuck up cunts!
Why are men better at sleeping on their sides than women? Answer Because they have a built in kick-stand!
"What's a screwdriver?" Answer "A prostitute's way of getting a free cab ride!"
What do you call kids raised in a house of prostitution? Answer "Brothel Sprouts!"
What do you call a mushroom in a bar who buys drinks for all the girls? Answer A "fungi!" (fun guy)
What did the b**** guy say when his house fell on him?" Answer "Get off me, home!
What do you call a group of blondes in a circle? Answer A dope ring!
What do you call two blondes in the front seat of a car? Answer Dual air bags!
What's the difference between a snowman and a blonde snowman? Answer When you're building a blonde snowman, you have to hollow his head out!
How do you drown a blonde? Answer Put a scratch `n' sniff at the bottom of the hot tub.
What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? Answer With a computer, you only have to punch in the information once.
